Dear Friends, It is Friday, January 20 here, the day the USA transfers power of its government to a business man who has had no previous political, elected experience. God help us. And yet the alternative in the election left me completely unmoved and unenthusiastic. I felt we Americans had no choice, so to speak. .......................................................................................................... I write on a beautiful sunny day, temperatures about 82 or so in the mid-afternoon sun, a gentle breeze passing through my room, low humidity . . . very comfortable. Yet there is reason for grave concern in this nation of Kenya. We are experiencing a rather serious drought. Fortunately, we Jesuits have a water well and plenty of water for our needs. But in the city there is already rationing of water going on. It is getting serious. Numerous people are having to receive government imported food. Many animals (goats especially) are dying. Some parts of the nation have received no rain since last April. The drought is also hitting the nation to our south, Tanzania. ................................................................................................................. What is much worse is a doctors' strike that has gone on for 47 days. Numerous people are dying because there is no professional to tend to them. It is a show-down between the government and the doctors. There is so much trouble with the government of this nation, so much embezzlement and stealing of public funds while hardly anyone is ever caught and prosecuted. Apparently a few at high levels of government have stolen over $50 million US meant for health care workers and this leaves the government unable to meet many of the just demands of the doctors. Can you imagine such a disaster??!! ............................................................................................................... After Obama left following his visit to Kenya about a year and a half ago, there was a visit from some US justices to offer counsel to their counterparts in this nation. Widespread corruption and stealing by high level officials seem to be at the basis of the nation's inability to establish a rule of law, of order and justice, and promote a culture that can effectively develop a middle class; there are many accusations of stealing, the newspapers are full of such stories, but there are no prosecutions and very few go to prison for their crimes. So many continue sucking off the limited money of the nation and leave the nation in terrible straights. Some people here, even church-going Christians, live in the heights of luxury, even by US standards. The formula seems to be: get a law degree, get elected to parliament or to a governorship in one of the main regions of the nation, and then steal, embezzle, and cook the books, so to speak. Just don't get caught. Buy off someone "important" if they catch you doing this and have power to get you in trouble. .................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I forgot to mention that there is also a long standing strike going on among university lecturers and workers. It has to be kept in mind that this is the year of a national election (coming in August) and these economic issues are pushed into public discourse so as to put pressure on the leaders of the political parties vying for votes. The disastrous election 10 years ago involved gang riots and even beheadings. Tribalism is so much the underlying issue. Tribes compete for economic gain through the government; their candidate getting elected means more government help for their people. To lose the election means your people have a much harder time for the following 5 years. It is somewhat like nationalistic rivalries that used to be big in the USA. .......................................................................................................................... I was told by one of my retreatants in the group of retreatants last week a story that moved me a lot. I pass it on to you. This retreatant, a mid-age nun, has been working in South Sudan with many very poor people fleeing to Uganda because of the endless war going on among tribes in South Sudan. She was living with a small community of other nuns where a married woman with a small child had been hired to do the community's cooking. While preparing the food and cooking, she could overhear a priest close by, in the next room, teaching children about Jesus and the Christian way of life. One day her husband who had gone away to find work and had been absent for three or four years returned to take her and the child with him. She learned that he had with him a second wife, a Muslim, that he too had become Muslim, and had with him two children born of the Muslim woman. This cook refused to comply. Her decision was met with major objections and threats of the village leaders (male and committed to Sharia law). They made it clear to her that she had two choices: either go with your husband or submit to a public flogging at which she would be lashed 138 times. There were strong objections from other women in the village but the will of the village "fathers" prevailed. So this woman opted for the flogging. She endure this horrible, vicious practice, the public shaming it involved as well, and survived. The women of the village immediately after it was over went into the bush area and found certain herbs to apply to her wounds; these would ease her terrible pain and cuts and, lo and behold, in a few weeks she completely healed without infection. Later she was asked what enabled her to go through with this ordeal. She replied that while she was cooking and could overhear the priest catechising some children she had learned about Jesus and was very taken by the experience He went through, that He too had been flogged, out of love for us all, and this gave her much courage and strength through Him to endure what she was subjected to and therefore not fall into a terrible family situation with a husband who had taken another wife and had changed his religious affiliation. I thought to myself when I heard this story: the mystery of Christ's passion and resurrection keeps showing up in today's world, in some of the most unlikely or unexpected places and with people who are so vulnerable, who have been given so little, yet the grace of God moves them to find an incredible strength and witness to Jesus in striking, unforgettable ways. What a manifestation of God's grace! And what a promise that God will be there for us in our moments of great trial, if only we will ask for help like this woman did.................................................................................................................................................................................................................... It is dinner time. I need to go. Donald Trump becomes president in 75 minutes from now. I suppose I will watch on TV his taking the oath of office and listen to his speech. I sense we all need to ask our God like rarely before to protect and care for the future of our nation. Our nation is dedicated to Mary under the title of her Immaculate Conception. It would be wise for us to invoke her prayers as well and maternal protection and guidance. God bless. Bernie Owens

Dear Friends, Today is December 27, Tuesday after Christmas Day, the feast day of St. John the Apostle of whom it is said was the closest friend of Jesus among the 12 apostles. . . . . I am now ready to write what I began more than two weeks ago, when I spent two hours typing and then lost it all. You might imagine the frustration and my need to postpone trying to write anything more after that very frustrating experience. Yesterday I wrote responses to 21 emails. About four of them were detailed and long. Together they took about four, maybe five hours to do. Skyping for nearly one hour with a great friend in Troy, Michigan was included in all of this. Then the day before, Christmas Day was a day to enjoy some very good food and good company. There were 27 of us for dinner starting around 1:30 PM, half of them guests. It was a happy time had by all. Having a 45 minutes social with drinks and snacks before the dinner started all of the celebration. I must admit I ate too much and I paid for it yesterday. Thankfully I am back to simpler food, less of it too, and am feeling almost normal again. Ha! Will I ever learn??!! (Did I just hear a strong 'No!" coming from the backseat??) . . . . . Our weather here is a little cool for this time of the year--usually in the low 70s; sometimes it gets to the high 70s around 3 PM--and most nights we have a wonderful sky and stunning views of stars and Venus and Jupiter. The pollen from all the flowers makes me itch a lot sometimes. It seems we never really find the perfect setting. I am trusting heaven will lift us above all of these imperfections! One blessing for me is how I almost never get a cold and in more than three years I have not had the usual sinus infection I would get about twice a year when back in Michigan. No antibiotics for me in over three years! . . . . . In the meantime I find my work very satisfying, sometimes deeply satisfying. It is a privilege to have work that you truly enjoy and often feel buoyed up by the promise of a deep exchange of meaning with people in and through the conversations that my kind of work affords me. I often get a "front row view" of the inner workings of God in the lives, in the souls of people who come here for silence and close, intimate exchange with God. How real and close God is. Many times I remark to myself how the world of the invisible is so much more real and satisfying than the visible world with its frequent emphasis on glitter and noise, on having a 'good time' and its offer of meaning through pleasure, but not very much underneath its noise and efforts to entertain and its claims to meaning. It soon wearies us and reminds me of the title of a 1960s British film that studied the empty life of a very self-centered man, Alfie by name. The movie's title and its background song said it all: "Is That All There Is, Alfie?" . . . I want to try to give you some sense of what was given to me during my retreat last November 30-December 7, concluding on the morning of the 8th. This is what I was in the middle of describing when I lost everything last December 10. I will be briefer now than I was intending to describe then. Right from the start of the retreat I was attracted to the bible's description of the piercing of the side of Christ. This moment is found in John's gospel, chapter 19, verse 34. The Roman soldier, doing his job, finishes the execution of Jesus who is nailed and breathing his last. The gospel writer focuses in on the immediate aftermath of the piercing: he says blood and water flow out of the cut made in Jesus's right side when the soldier shoves the spear through Jesus's chest over to the left side into his heart, piercing it and releasing the fluids of blood and lymph/water. That image, that scene held me for eight days. With varying clarity I spent my entire retreat right there, attracted back to it again and again, and seeing more and more deeply into it as the days passed by. I was drawn much beyond just the physical details of that scene and soon into the implications of it all; sometimes I was very aware of Jesus's mother standing there, sometimes quite aware of the gospel writer John who as a young man was witnessing this awful moment, the seeming end of a wonderful friendship he had with Jesus, yet he was being marked for the rest of his long life to be THE eyewitness of a world changing event when God was at His best in the face of the human race being engaged in its most awful, shameful moment. John would tell of this event and leave for all generations to ponder this ultimate expression of the outpouring of God who is Love and Mercy Itself. But I was especially drawn to be present to or aware of God, Jesus's Abba, as if He were standing in the background and sharing silently in this devastating moment, with this best gift He gave to the world spurned, rejected and crucified by a people gone mad. . . That scene, that image which carried something of an awareness deeper than any image of the depths of God kept me still, alert, present without words, amazed, moved, "captured", held with a sense of wonder and love and sometimes deep emotion. I am taking time here to describe something of what I was given because I hope it helps you the reader to notice and find your own way into this same mystery of love and get close to what is ultimately the indescribable goodness and lovableness of the Source of all Reality, the source and fullness of all Beauty and Truth. It is this encounter that heals all brokenness, that gives lasting hope, and makes any sacrifice totally worth it. It truly is a taste of heaven, a glimpse of what the soul of us all is searching for. This is "what it's all about, Alfie!" . . . . . Sometimes prayer is simply getting quiet enough and being attentive, staying steadily aware in the face of what is beyond all words, and then by a gift of God getting "grabbed", getting "pulled in" with awe and being moved with great joy and longing into adoration. You get pulled in and held by what is overwhelmingly meaningful, beautiful, and so good like nothing else in the entire world, and your spirit in its depths knows this, is irresistably drawn to this. You have found the center of your soul and the Source of all goodness and hope waiting there for you. To spend quality time, very attentive, before this Reality this way, just to be quiet and aware with love and awe will change a lot in how you look at yourself, at the world and other people. It leads you to value what God values and to see as empty what much of the noisy world thinks is so important. (What's It All About, Alfie?") In time what happens is a growing sensitivity at deeper and deeper levels of ourselves to this very attractive Reality. Like what St. Augustine says, the "eye of our heart" begins to open and we see what we have passed over many times and were blind to. But now, God has blessed us to see. The "scales have fallen from our eyes," as it did for Saul. This reminds me of the scene in Luke's Gospel with the blind man on the side of the road pleading twice for Jesus of Nazareth to heal him: "Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me!" Jesus says, "what do you want me to do for you?" The man, Bartimeus says, "Master, help me to see. Let me see." And Jesus says, "Be healed. Your faith (in God) has made you whole." And the man then receives his sight and follows Jesus along the Way.) Really, everyone of us is that blind man on the side of the road. But many of us do not even know we are blind to this deeper Reality; no one ever tells us about it as something available to us; no one tells us that seeing much more deeply this One, the really Real, is a gift waiting for us to receive if only we become aware of this new possibility for ourselves and earnestly seek with the help of God to open to it, to ask for it. It is love for God and others that opens up the eye of our soul to the deeper levels of Reality . . . . We start noticing what our fears, worries and greed, our anxieties and lust, our resentment and jealousies make us blind to. . . . . . One theme related to this wound in Christ's side that came up in my retreat was the attraction to the other four wounds of Christ. I have been drawn for years to this theme. I was given a cross, Eastern church style, when I was ordained 44 years ago. It images the five wounds inflicted on Christ, to his hands and feet, his head too. Nearly ten years ago I found in a book we were discussing during the biweekly reading seminars at Manresa in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan a reference to the five wounds of Christ being something one could carry inside their spirit, in their soul, not just in one's body like the stigmatists but inside yourself. This drew me strongly. In this book, St. Gertrude, a 13th century German, wrote about her finding this prayer that expressed the desire to receive from God this "imprint" or mark of Christ's Passion, to carry in one's depths His five wounds, simply because Jesus means that much to you and His passion and death had deeply moved you to want to honor His love and live in His Spirit. Encouraged by what she writes, I began to pray that prayer, daily, but many times up to this recent retreat wondered whether God had answered this prayer for me or not. Then on the very first day of my retreat, it dawned on me during one of my meditations in a very meaningful way that I had been given this gift a long time ago, even before I started to pray that prayer, thanks to my carrying inside myself the wounds of Christ contained in the stories of good people who shared with me about their lives, especially about the wounds in their lives. This light or insight made even more meaningful what was given to me on the first day of my retreat last year when I was shown in a striking image a set of candles all close together and immediately understanding that each candle represented a man or woman friend in my life whom I cared about deeply, friends that I had known and cared about for years. So in this year's retreat I was shown a special feature about these friends: I carry within me with much reverence and sometimes significant emotion their stories with a particular emphasis on their being wounded, some of them terribly so. So I began to reminisce on how some of you have opened up to me about your lives and let me see and feel with you something of your share in the woundedness of Christ: your losing a father when so young and being so vulnerable and how it so affected you into your adult years; or losing tragically your only son, your only child in a soccer freak accident; or being gang-raped a number of times and suffering nightmares because of it and temptations to self-rejection, self-hatred; in being molested as a child and in turn struggling with sexual attractions that would land you in prison if you acted on them; discovering yourself to be addicted to one thing or another (alcohol, drugs, porn, etc), any substance that threatened to eat up your soul and make you seriously contemplate suicide; or being haunted with the memories of choosing to abort your child and then suffering to regain self-respect and trust in the mercy of God for you; or spending many years with a certain loneliness caring for a broken husband, a broken sister and a mother living so long and requiring but deserving so much close care. I cannot tell you how much meaning and consolation during my retreat I found in realizing this level of meaning gained from carrying many of you in my soul and then awakening to how this is really one way of understanding the fulfillment of my prayer over many years: to bear within my depths the wounds of Christ and to do whatever my priesthood calls me to do FROM THIS SACRED SPACE I HAD FRESHLY DISCOVERED INSIDE ME. . . . . Some may still wonder: why the wounds of Christ should be an object of so much attention and care, of so much love? Perhaps it will help to explain it--partially--this way. Really, one does not explain love but either understands it from experience or has not yet opened to real love in their lives. So here goes my attempt to shed some light on this mystery of loving Christ, especially by focusing with deep reverence on His five wounds. I recall my mother who for all her life suffered a lot from eczema to her fingers and into her hands. The skin of her fingers and hands dried out so easily, then cracked and bled thanks to the eczema because she cooked a lot, canned a lot of fruits and vegetables for our winter needs, sewed and crocheted a lot and so exposed herself to many chemicals, natural and synthetic, in her care for us four children. Even though she wore water-protecting rubber gloves, she still got affected by all of this and would often apply sauves of various kinds to gain some relief and hopefully healing of the eczema blisters and itching that went with it all. As I look back on that and remember growing up around her with this kind of dedication and loving care, I am quite moved and feel the desire, yes, to kiss her hands, to look deeply into her eyes and tell her how I will be eternally grateful for her love, a priceless gift. Her wounds were like that of Christ's wounds of love, an expression of everlasting commitment to the lives she and our father generated. I have experienced some of the same love, deeper of course, welling up in me as I pay attention to the wounds of Christ. I own them as the greatest of all gifts to me . . . and for everyone of us. How can I not be moved when I see something of what I have been allowed by God's Spirit to see in this Mystery of love?? How can I not kiss every morning the red stone on that cross given to me 44 years ago (the red stone representing the wound to Jesus's heart) and laying it on my bed to see during the day? Is there anything in the whole of the world's history like it? Absolutely not. I trust that each of us in thinking back to special friends in our life whose stories have touched us significantly we will see the same mystery inside ourselves and will suspect that much more of God's life and activity are going on in you than you ever suspected. A happy, healthy and blessed 2017 to all of you. Bernie Owens

Friends, I just stumbled back into my blogsite after having typed for two hours this afternoon part of a letter I was going to post regarding my recent retreat experience. It seems I have lost it all! I don't find it anywhere. I thought it would be worth sharing some of the retreat with you. I hit the SAVE button before going to dinner and assumed when I returned I would be able to continue. Then, I got locked out of my email and went round and round with Google to get a new password they would recognize. A wasted evening! A fresh experience of being tried in patience! I will give this a try tomorrow while having now to hurry up to some other work I have to deal with. Booo! Bernie Owens

Dear Friends, Here we are on Friday during Thanksgiving weekend. I know most of you who read this are living in the USA and so I wish you lots of relaxation and enjoyment of being with family and friends. Here in Kenya it is a regular week for work and the usual routine. But as an American I cannot help but be with all of you in spirit and wish you the best and the peace that only our good God in Jesus can give. Oh, how we and the USA needs this now at a time of such strife and disrespect from many voices around us. I am so struck by the disrespect and insulting manner reflected in and even fostered in the newspapers, the TV and internet news sources. I am saddened by all of this. We so need to make a choice for listening respectfully to each other, even when disagreeing. We need to calm down and reclaim our center in Him whose love makes all the difference. I am well overall, even though I have had three bouts of dysentery in the previous two weeks. The most recent week I have been normal and hope I have gotten through whatever it was that bothered me so much. Our neighborhood monkey is frequenting us again and makes loud noises when running across our roof tops during our breakfast time. Just imagine a medium sized dog with a long tail running around on top of your own house and looking for any open window to sneak in and steal food. That is what this character is like! He can even open our big sliding door from the veranda into our dining room if the door is slightly left open. About five days ago our monkey succeeded in getting into our dining room and stealing a cluster of bananas off our center table. I had had a banana from that cluster at breakfast the same day and found them too ripe for me. I ate about half of it and cut away the rest. So really, these bananas were ready to be put into banana bread. So this pest did not get the best in what he stole. I did spot him, however, soon after his theft nestled in the crotch of a nearby tree gorging himself on one banana after another. It is after all rather humorous! In the end one has to admit he is cute even though obnoxious at times! Our worry now is how he, and we think a second monkey, are beginning to steal our mangoes. We will have in January a bumper crop of mangoes. Our trees are loaded with them but need to have more time to have them fill out and be ready for picking. And when they are ripe, the eating is out of this world! I assure you, mangoes are on the menu for the eternal heavenly banquet!! In the meantime the damn monkey aims at beating us to them, even before they become ripe! We are planning to throw nets over these trees, which is not an easy task! I begin my own yearly 8-day retreat next Tuesday evening, the 29th, and finish on the morning of December 8, the feast day of Mary's Immaculate Conception. I would greatly appreciate your remembering me during that special time in your prayers. Thank you so much. By the way, do you who are US citizens know that the USA some years ago was put "under the protection of" and dedicated to Mary, under the title of her Immaculate Conception? The basilica or national shrine in Washington, DC, is dedicated to her under this title. The meaning of this title given her and its implications for us who aspire to follow Jesus closely are pretty awesome, something quite worth learning about and applying in one's own spiritual walk with God. It implies extraordinary blessings available to any follower of Jesus who is childlike enough to learn and be led by God's Spirit to new spiritual depths in Christ. It has struck me, and I included this in my book (More Than You Could Ever Imagine), that all the attention and honors given by Christians to the Mother of God are not attention for just her but also constitute wonderful good news for any of us who aspire to follow closely her Son. That is because she and all the blessings God gave her are a mirror and anticipation of the many blessings God has in store for each of us as we make our journey home to God. All that is honored in her is a hint of all the goodness and beauty of God being realized in us. Her story anticipates so much of our own story that is still in its early stages and is unfolding toward a fullness we get glimpses of when looking at her, if we will look! I will close with relating to you a very painful story I heard just last Tuesday. Some of you will most likely find this disturbing; it certainly was and still is disturbing to me, but it does give you the reader a hint of some of the monstrous evil I am learning about here in Kenya, evil going on in this young nation, among a fragile people who are for the most part terribly poor and susceptible to the forces of evil. It is a story of a family with the scourge of alcoholism in a number of members of the family, and I think mental illness too, accentuated by some members calling upon witch doctors and curses to get revenge on other members of the family. the family is said to have become Catholic Christian, baptized, but mixing with such polygamy, philandry, and the consulting of leaders of the occult. The story I tell climaxes in the death of a 39 year old daughter, dying I think from a heart attack, after she was found to be pregnant and got an abortion. Her father, who is mentally unstable and a micro-manager of the grown children he fathered from one or other of his wives, demanded that this daughter get an abortion, a late term abortion at that. So she did because the economic means for her was with her father. She was jobless and dirt poor and vulnerable to being left out on the streets if she refused. So I am told by the one who related this awful story ( half-sister of this woman!) that the baby during the abortion, bleeding and all, was crying when it was thrown into a nearby bucket and there it died. I have heard in my spirit this cry and it so upsets me. My faith in Christ tells me this is a moment in which He, who said that when you give a drink of water to one of the least of my brothers or sisters you do it to Me, is crucified again. The ultimate mystery and meaning of every human life is found in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. This is where we find the meaning and purpose of every human life, Christian and non-Christian. The only resolution to monstrous choices like this is found in His mercy spoken while He hung on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they really don't realize what they are doing." May you and your families have a blessed Advent. Come, Lord Jesus, Prince of Peace. In You alone is our hope and lasting joy! Bernie Owens

Dear Friends, It is now Sunday evening here, November 6. I just finished leading a weekend retreat, a very different kind of retreat than what I usually lead. This is more like the retreat format at Manresa near Detroit in that I give talks, five of them over the weekend, but also I am the only one available to see retreatants for one-on-one conversations, and then I lead half hour group meditations, in this case, contemplative meditations which are much deeper than any other kind of prayer. One of these on Friday evening, five on Saturday, and two on Sunday morning. We finished with a 1 PM midday meal. I am tired but it is a good sense of tired. I will sleep well tonite! I had a stout beer with dinner this evening; it was a time to celebrate a little. Given the work I do, I hear some hair-raising stories at times. I will say from my hearing women admit to having had an abortion and how that memory lingers with them and haunts them in many cases, I don't see how having an abortion can truthfully be called an instance of "health care", unless it is a procedure done to save the mother's life. Even then, there is deep grief that the mother experiences, sadness over having to do what she is doing to save her life. I hear too many women being damaged psychologically and spiritually by having consented to this procedure for reasons other than to save their lives. Women who shrug off having had one and deny any spiritual damage from it were never close to God or spiritually sensitive to begin with. The other cause for concern I hear about here in Kenya is the widespread involvement with witchcraft and the dabbling in other forms of the occult. This very scary danger is widespread among high school and college age students. The high schools have been infected by people trying to make a lot of money and appeal to naive, vulnerable students to get involved in these rituals. Why you may ask would they do such? It seems that this involvement promises power over others you are angry with or want to hurt or control; also it is a way for becoming financially very successful. In Kenya there is a strong desire to get rich, to enjoy much prestige through wealth and status. Tribalism affects this kind of thinking, makes for greed and envy, also the desire to be powerful through wealth and then to have power over one's enemies through witchcraft. It may seem bizarre and far-fetched to you, my reader, but I will tell you without a doubt, I have witnessed this phenomenon myself, yes in the USA, and I know there are cases of powerful manifestations of evil powers and spirits that are very controlling and dangerous when a person opens the door of their heart to them and gives over power to them. This is very sinful in that it insults God by saying, "You, God, are not enough to guide me or provide for me. I am going to something else that will deliver to me the results I want (money, status, control, revenge, knowledge of someone in the hereafter, etc)." But when a person does such, all hell breaks loose in their lives or in the lives of their children or family. In some cases certain dabblers curse someone else and the impact on the one cursed is very, very dangerous and the one who issues the curse is in deep spiritual trouble, usually for the rest of their lives. I know of curses that affect more than one generation but two or three, and many members of the family tree. Too often certain people will brush away such stories as run-away fear easily explainable by psychological categories. Religious hysteria can indeed by explained sometimes by psychology. I am saying, however, that I know from experience that sometimes what is going on is NOT explainable by psychology but is truly a scary disturbance from the world of evil spirits, that these powers do exist and that they can do grave damage on those who play around with such stuff and put their faith in this power rather than in God. I know such goes on in Michigan thanks to certain cults and the worship of Satan. Pornography and the kidnapping and sexual abuse of children are so often connected with such evil. Here in Kenya I am aware of extreme cases of possessions that require an exorcism; persistent and aggressive spirits that ruin the lives of others and beat them up physically, psychologically, spiritually; who prompt in the possessed person impudent, hateful words, insults, accusations that are just off the wall, wild and crazy. but very threatening, wanting to do violence, even murder. I have had to listen to some religious leaders describe challenges like these, working with persons they have to care for or try to form in the early stages of religious life and who are this disturbed. What I am describing is real, I have had to listen to such cases and this truly happens at times. I am sure that what I am listening to is not just hysteria of one kind or another, but is the result of some people fooling around with the occult or being the victim of someone in their family fooling around with witchcraft and rituals of cursing. Even if later they try to get out of its power, it is often too late and they are miserably oppressed for much of the rest of their lives. What is sad and shocking is that there are some ordained leaders who deny the reality of what I am describing, seeing it entirely in terms of ancient superstitions, and subscribe entirely to explanations that psychologists can offer. Another topic: have you ever had the feeling and desire to respond to something or Someone so good and true and beautiful that you want to give yourself entirely to it or to that Someone, yet you feel very small and utterly inadequate to give what this Other deserves; that your depths are only a fraction of what you want to give, only a fraction of what you sense this something or Someone is worthy of? If you can identify, I am sure you would agree that it is an experience both painful and sweet. Right? If you can relate, I trust you know what I am talking about. It is a holy and such a life-giving experience to want to give our entire self to Someone and at the same time be overwhelmed with their goodness and lovableness while at the same time experiencing the frustration of not being able to even come close to giving what the other deserves, is made for, and is capable of receiving. Is this not the longing for eternity? the longing for the deepest communion with God? To enter into God's depths and to know and to love that which there is no reality more worthy, more lovable, more full of goodness than this One? I am quite tired after a demanding weekend. I am off to bed and pray for the USA, my homeland, and its future. May God lead us well through these tumultuous, sometimes embarrassing times. Bernie Owens

Dear Friends, Today is Tuesday, October 25, a week since my last letter. I am finally back to my routine of meeting daily with five out of a total of the fifty retreatants here at Mwangaza during the next eight days. I have a Belgian layman, a woman from Singapore, of Chinese ancestry and lately has worked in the refugee camps in northern Kenya, then three Kenyan nuns. After a two-week layoff, much needed and much appreciated, I feel truly good to be back into conversations of significant depth, with people baring their souls and letting me "see" God working in their lives and their own thirsts for a deeper life with God. Such conversations are ever new, never boring! Last Wednesday Fr. Bart Murphy and I went into the Nairobi Animal Park immediately south of the city boundaries of Nairobi. It is unique in the world. I learned it is about 30 miles from the western end to the eastern end and close to 20 miles from the northern most point to the southern edge. We arrived there at 7 AM; the morning sun had been up about an hour. We did not finish until 1 PM. What we saw was well worth the trip. While we did not see any lions or rhinos, we did see up close lots and lots of impalas, gazelles, antelopes, wildebeasts, zebras, hindebeasts(spelling?), also a few water buffaloes, two hippos asleep in the morning sun and sticking their heads and nostrils just above the water level of a lake they live in, then about 15 ostriches (truly aggressive characters!), a family of baboons (with babies on the rump end of two mother baboons, one monkey only and a really small one at that, then about 8-10 giraffes, some warthogs too (really ugly characters!). One giraffe, a very tall male, was standing on the road nibbling at some thorny bush with lots of green shoots on it. We pulled up our car abut 5 feet short of hitting the animal. We could not go around him but only stay on the road. The giraffe did not want to move. Soon two vans driven by drivers who are employees of the park and hired by groups of 8-12, were approaching behind us. I wondered how long this impasse was going to last! We inched a little closer to the animal and still the animal would not pay any attention to us but kept eating. Finally, after we revved up the engine while in neutral, the giraffe began to move and lopped leisurely by the car, right by the driver's door, almost brushing it, and continued past the car's right tail light (on the right side, the side of the driver in Kenya) and never once intimated any threat or irritation with us. This gave us an amazing closeup view of this gorgeous animal covered with a beautifully spotted coat and showing an enormously long neck. What a beautiful creature of God! What a privilege to view it close enough to touch it and then in the wild, in its natural habitat. In my previous letter I spoke about how sometimes I feel 'confined' while living and working here, that I don't get out often enough but can get on this treadmill of listening to people making their retreats, listening to what over time is emotionally and psychologically exhausting. In the last few days I have pondered the possibility of God letting this happen to me, having clearly called me here to Kenya (and I am sure He still calls me here), but is challenging me to find ways of changing my routine, spend less time on the computer, take that extra one hour nap in the afternoon (which I fight!) if I feel I need it, and very consciously choose to surrender to Him in any moment when I feel empty or alone, to set aside my preference and accept His ways, sometimes shown in the limitations of my body and its slowly diminished energy-level. There is a Reality, a divine presence waiting to be noticed and loved underneath the feelings of sadness, limitation, loneliness, being unloved. I think I am more and more understanding the ways of these especially impressive Carmelite saints whose biographies I have been reading these last few years (right now a biography on a Chilean Carmelite nun, only 19 years and 9 months old when she died in 1920 thanks to typhoid. St.Teresa of the Andes is her name, Juanita Fernandez her family names. There are deep stirrings that happen in me when I read the lives of these people. The descriptions of their hungers and thirsts for God are often quite stirring for me, as is the case with this teenager who went to God so early in her life. What comes through strongly for me when reading these lives is that it is God who makes saints, not saints who decide to become saints and put all their energy into the relationship they have with God. Each of us is loved and favored by God, usually far more than we realize. Saints seem to be people who really appreciate this, who take time regularly and often to pay attention to this presence and the movements of God in their depths; they walk with humility, endless gratitude, and the joy of close friendship with God. They are often struck with wonder at the goodness and lovableness of God, and this increases their sense of being utterly unworthy of such gifts. Anyway, I am sensing a new chapter in my walk with God while in Kenya and a challenge to experience God, to trust in God in the present moment and not wait for some future day to "start living again!" I am going to move on, pray Vespers, and get ready for dinner. I got new glasses today for distance viewing, tinted also to filter out the ultraviolet rays. I have to wait two weeks to get my new reading glasses. They will be bifocals. It has been four years since I had new glasses. The old ones were becoming increasingly inadequate! Oh yes, I continue to wait for donations to come in from people who promised me donations. I keep working on recruiting interested Catholics for the pilgrimage to the Holy Land I am leading next June 6-19. Are any of you interested?? Bernie Owens

Hi, Friends, It has been a month to this day, September 18, since my last letter. It is not a sign that nothing has been going on! I came back from the US on August 12 and jumped into the work of listening to retreatants three days later. This continued non-stop for a month, and then after two days another 8 day stretch, and after that a week of teaching some classes. Pretty soon I felt exhausted, little or no gas in my tank. I begged for a break and finally got it a week ago last Sunday. Sleep and plenty of it was the first order; then a chance to swim at an outdoor pool and take a car and get out of here for some sight-seeing in downtown Nairobi and elsewhere. Mowing lawn and weeding, pruning and watering the rose beds and buying and planting some flowers to replace some that had died have also been part of the change of routine. I am feeling much more normal now, but also aware that while this place is beautiful and a great place for very meaningful work, I sometimes feel rather confined here and am living in a place that leaves me feeling psychologically cramped, sometimes. Part of the problem is that I really have no friends beyond the walls of this place. I don't get to visit homes or share a meal out somewhere. I have to work harder here than I did at Manresa to find balance and stay fresh in my spirit. I see myself here at least another three years, so I have to make this work. So far, my first three years have generally been very, very fruitful and meaningful. But I also feeling the aging process and that makes me think more than I have in the past of my future here. We shall see! I am sure God will let me know what I am to do, what He wants for us. Tomorrow Fr. Bart Murphy an American Jesuit from our community, and I will drive into the famous Nairobi Animal Park immediately south of the city and observe what animals we can see before the sun gets too high and chases all of them into the shade. The park is really large, about 20 miles or so from one end to the other. Yes, there are lions in it. You can be sure we will be staying in our car with the windows rolled up! God has been extraordinarily good to me during my daily contemplations. He continues to be the most real of the Real, and present as so truly good and worthy of being loved and honored, moreso than any words could describe. Just to sit for 45 minutes with that awareness, to be still and as attentive as possible to this is full of meaning. I hope some of you who read this can relate and find support in what I am sharing. It is the main reason I say anything about this in these letters, even though it is so personal. The election process going on now in the USA? I find it to be so ugly, so disappointing, an embarrassment for our country. It is mud-slinging at such a sordid level. I do not care for either candidate. I fear we will have weak leadership for the next four years, regardless of who is president. I will be so glad when the campaign is finally over, the election itself is done and over with, and we can get back to something else to talk about. I need to head off to bed. God bless, and please pray for the USA and its future. Bernie Owens