Hi, dear friends,

  It is almost four weeks since I last wrote, and I finally have some lengthy free-time to write.  I have lots to say and want to share or discuss with you.  So here it begins.

  Some of you know that last week, from the evening of December 1  to the morning of December 10, I was in retreat.  When I do my annual 8-day retreat I do nothing with the computer, and read no newspapers, and do not listen to radio and watch TV.  For me it is sacred time to be with my best friend.   For me this really bears wonderful results, too meaningful to miss out on.

  I suppose that most of you don't have a sense of what this kind of retreat is like.  Let me describe the format of a day.  For me I had access to a trained director, someone who knows how to listen well, to keep quiet while I describe at length what has happened to me since we last met.  Only then will the guide/director ask questions or make a comment, an observation on the meaning and significance of what I described going on in my prayer time and between those times.  Only then will the guide/director mention possibilities for focus and prayer till the next time we would meet.  This is so helpful because it means that the guide/director respects their role AS AN AID in the process and is careful NOT TO TAKE THE PLACE of God who is directing the retreatant.  It would be like being a waiter at a restaurant serving you and an honored guest coming in for a great meal and conversation, rather than trying to take over the place of the guest you are with.  So it means being careful not to interrupt, not to jump in too soon, but being slow to give any advice and to reflect back implications in what you the retreatant are saying.

   Anyway, I would pray four distinct times each day, for 45 minutes each time, and then see my guide/director once every two days. Once right after breakfast, then again just before lunch, a third time right before supper, and then finally in mid evening, about an hour before going to bed.  Mass was either at 7 AM or at 5:15 PM when 50 other people on retreat here at the same time would gather.  In between those four times I was reading a very helpful book on the how and challenges of doing Christian contemplative prayer ("Into the Silent Land" by Martin Laird.)   I would see my guide/director at 2 PM every other day for about 45 minutes.  In the middle of the afternoon I would either nap, work out for about 40 minutes in our modest gym (treadmill and stationery bike plus a machine for upper body exercise, or work for a couple hours in my flower garden.  This time I had lots of amarylis bulbs to plant. The roses are getting the oohs and ahhs of many.  They are stunning!)

  In past retreats I would start off the 45 minutes of prayer with some bible passage and eventually come to a single point, a single focus and remain there for most or a good part of the time.  This year I was not drawn to doing that but simply started right away with sitting still in my bedroom, closing my eyes, and being focused on the One who is present to me all the time.  There is something very engaging about being quiet, just quiet but attentive to God who is "right there"!  Clearly, it is love that draws one and it is deep love that enables one to "see" or sense God present to you in this way.  To be steady with that awareness is a gift and truly delightful; it is completely fulfilling and very satisfying to the soul.  It consists in simply being with your best and deepest friend, "hanging out" with God.   Some periods were dry and did not feel like any results came forth, but the majority of these 45 minute times with God were rather rich.  A few were very powerful and deeply sweet to the soul.   Part of the challenge is to stay present whether you "feel" anything is happening or not.  One learns over time to accept whatever happens, whatever is given and to trust that something much deeper than what you can sense is being given to you.  So you stay present as best you can, regardless of any particular feelings, insights, images or thoughts.  All of those are no longer that important.  What is important is the Divine Other, the deepest friend who is present in a way deeper than all these familiar ways of experiencing.  Faith and trust take one deeper than any of these experiences and open you out to this One who means everything to you.  It becomes the prayer of "being" rather than the prayer of "doing".   Being with your friend and not having to talk or discuss . . . just being quiet together and enjoying each other's presence. . . that is what it is.  And so this is the way it was for the 8 days.

   On the sixth day of the retreat, in the afternoon, I had spent a lot of time sitting and reading from Laird's book.  I did not feel like sitting through my late afternoon period of prayer.  So I decided to take a slow walk on the trail inside our 50 acre plot.  (I quote from the journal entry I wrote)  "I found it to be wonderful, a time of closeness between God and myself, like old friends walking together and savoring the many wonderful things we have shared over the years and briefly recalling some of the dark times we went through but how His unconditional care and friendship were ever there.  It was a golden moment in this retreat."

   Last fall I had the student seminarians in my course on Teresa of Avila's "Interior Castle" read a commentary on the "Interior Castle." This book ("Distractions In Prayer:  Blessing or Curse?") makes more sense to me on what is meant by our sinful tendencies and self-centered impulses than any other book I had read before on that topic.  It gives lots of very good examples.  This book (and Teresa) makes it very clear that as one gets further along in the journey, the more we become sensitive to anything that deviates from love of God, neighbor, and self, even in the least way.   It made me want to spend some time during the retreat searching to know more explicitly what in me is like this, what in me is still separated from God and comes from self-centeredness.  So I asked God, somewhat warily, that I be shown my sin during the retreat, if that should please God. Well, I really got an answer.  Early in the retreat I found myself obsessing about a particular Jesuit in our community who never signs up to share in a certain ministry all of us are meant to share in. Recently we have had two priests no longer be part of our team, so the lead is heavier on everyone else.  I spun in my mind my commentaries and speeches, ready to nail him and ask what makes him an exception.  The resentment grew.  Some of my prayer periods were spent just trying to get past these thoughts and feelings.  It hardly felt like prayer; rather, there was appreciable inner turmoil and an experience of being rather powerless and caught in my own compulsive thoughts and insistence that this man carry his load.  Yes, there was a certain reasonableness about my objecting and feeling like others about someone not doing their part. But there was a certain intensity and I guess self-righteousness, compulsiveness on my part in relating to this man and issue.   I discussed this with my guide/director and she and I laughed in a sense about how I got from God what I had asked for.  I related how I even had a dream connected to this issue.  In it I dreamt I was talking with the president of Kenya and was complaining to him how the national newspaper is so negative in what it chooses to report on.  In the dream the president looked flustered and unable to say anything in response to what I said.  (end of dream.)  After just a little thought about the dream I concluded that my deeper wisdom was confronting me and my presidential ego with an over-reacting and harboring nothing but critical thoughts toward someone (whom I actually like and have had some good conversations with!)  But I will admit, it gets me that he will not sign up like the rest of us to share in the load of ministry responsibilities.  My guide cautioned that maybe there is further information to be gotten, something I am not in touch with right now.  So at the end of the retreat I found out that this person is doing exactly the same kind of responsibility three times a week but not with us!  All of this inner turmoil got quieter as the retreat moved on, but it was embarrassing (and wearying!) to see how I got caught in a righteousness driven attitude that left me angry, frustrated, and resentful toward this man.  It was like the dutiful older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son resentful toward his younger, prodigal brother who was being celebrated even though he had made a mess of his life and the family name.

   One interesting dynamic that came up during the retreat was a strong inspiration to write another book.  This inspiration has been coming to me at various times over the last months and now it has come home to my spirit again and rather strongly at times.  I can remember while in the midst of the first book, which is coming out in March, that I "vowed" I would never do this again.  After engaging in rewriting about the 10-12th time, one is so tired of doing it and almost loses interest in what you are doing.  I am very glad I persevered in the first book and am somewhat surprised that God is nudging me, sometimes strongly, to write a second book.  The topic is the depths of the human person reflecting the depths of God.  I am initially taken by the depths of God, about what matters most to God, what moves God, what does God care about the most.  I am fascinated by that topic.  And instinctively I know that the depths of God are echoed in the depths of the human soul.  I know that exploring that theme would make very important reading for many people who are interested in a deeper spiritual life.  So I have a stack of scrap papers with short jottings on them with references to  articles and books, something I know would be important matter for such a topic.

   During the retreat I made some new friends, the birds who live just opposite my bedroom bay-window.  There is a hedge maybe 100 feet from my window and many of them nest there.  Some are beautifully plumed, with yellow and black, some with red, blue and grey, some with rust-orange, black and white, etc.  I have a sill that extends a little on the outside of my window.  I was putting relatively small bread pieces, sometimes cake chunks, on the sill and then sitting in my high-back chair and watching these beautiful creatures come in and take a piece.  I would be only 5-6 feet away from them, on the other side of the glass window, watching them up that close.  It was a treat and one of the pleasures I had during my retreat.  Twice, after all the bread was taken, birds came  and pecked at my window, obviously wanting more bread.  They knew their source was just on the other side of that window.  Really cute.  Then twice, I witnessed one bird, a weaver bird with gorgeous yellow and black feathers, take a piece of bread, fly over to a nearby lemon tree, and proceed to break off small pieces and put them into the mouth of their mate.  It was so wonderful to see that. He did it about 20 times.   I do not know why the other bird had to be fed, but clearly the male was feeding its female mate.

   Then the monkey!!  On the morning I finished retreat (Wednesday, the 10th) and had said the mass, I was walking to the dining room and here, about 10 feet from me, is this monkey.  It is like a medium sized dog with a very long tail and whiskers galore on its face.  I said, "well, good morning!" and it ran up the side of this nearby pole and on to the roof.  It got up there and stared at me.  So I would give off a huff and jump one foot forward, and the monkey would jerk.  I did that 5-6 times and each time it jumped, as if it was threatened.  I wanted to show it who is boss.  Well, once I got inside the dining room and said 'hello' to everyone after 8 days in silence, I get this story of how the damn monkey had come into our dining room the previous day, on two occasions, and stole bananas: once just one banana, the second time a BUNCH or CLUSTER of bananas!  No wonder it had come back!!  As I am preparing my breakfast, I see the monkey out on our veranda the other side of the sliding glass doors, too heavy for the monkey to move.  The monkey was just beginning to eat the bread chunks that had been put out for the birds.  So I got up from the table, went over to the window, stretched my hands high and in a threatening tone of voice made all kinds of noise--like a gorilla-- to threaten the snitch.  It ran so fast over to an adjacent tree to wait for a moment when maybe we would all leave and it could make another "breaking and entering" move!   Apparently, it is able to pull down the handle on the door for regular entry.  We are now locking that door and making everyone come into the dining room from another entrance. What a clever and persistent rascal!!  As one person at table said, "he is our cousin, you know.  He has learned some of our own tricks!"  So the critter is a nuisance but also a subject for conversation and humor.

   I have more to say, especially regarding today's feast  of Our Lady of Guadalupe, but I will save that for another blog posting which I plan to write tomorrow or Sunday.  It is getting late in the day here, independence day for this nation (51 years old today).

  Take care!
Bernie Owens